For your entertainment, my annual defiling of
“The Night Before Christmas”
‘Twas the year before the election, and all through the land,
Politicians were stirring, and starting to glad-hand,
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that special interest groups would fill them there;
The candidates were nestled all snug with their pacs,
With visions of donors filling up their sacks;
And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
We were settling down in front of the tv for a long winter’s nap,
When on all the media there arose such a clatter,
I flipped on my big screen to see what was the matter.
Through all the channels I flipped as fast as I could,
Such a commotion, I thought, this can’t be good.
The high-def picture on my new 72-inch screen
Gave the lustre of the bizarre to the political scene,
When, to what to my wondering eyes should await,
But an election season, and too many candidates,
And then one candidate, with his hair piled in a lump,
I knew in a moment it must be Donald J. Trump,
More rapid than eagles his challengers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
“Now, Bush! now Rubio! now, Fiorina and Christie!
On, Huckabee! on Carson, on Cruz and Paul,
To the top of the polls! I will not fall,
Now dash away, losers! I’ll build a wall!”
As illegal immigrants before the border patrol fly,
I’ll build a wall, it’ll reach to the sky,
So up to the top of the polls he flew,
With a sack full of money, and a big ego, too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard him exclaim,
If the Republicans don’t like me, I may change the game,
He was dressed in his clothing line, from his head to his toe,
And his buildings were all glittery gold, you know,
With bombastic statements he flung here and there,
He said I don’t need anyone’s money, I’m a billionaire,
His eyes — how they twinkled as he went state to state,
“I’m leading all the polls, I’ll make America great!”
With his great big mouth as wide as a bow,
There was almost nothing he wouldn’t say, you know.
With a broad proclamation he stated so strong,
I’ll stop Muslims at the border, cause what the hell’s going on?
These politicians all have a yellow belly,
Somebodies got to do something, but they just shake like jelly.
His campaign was like reality tv, a giant comb-over elf,
And I laughed as I watched it, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon let me to know there was plenty to dread;
He spoke many words, mostly lacking tact,
And filled all the space; without using much fact,
And when he was challenged he threw insults to foes,
Giving a thumbs up, up the polls he rose;
He sprang place to place,
to Iowa gave a whistle,
And away he flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he flew to the next state,
HAPPY TRUMP-MASS TO ALL, I’LL MAKE AMERICA GREAT