So Gwyneth Paltrow (GP) and Chris Martin are getting consciously uncoupled. This is what you do when you are people who name their kids “Apple” and “Moses.” You don’t get ‘divorced.’ I mean, divorce? How gauche. No, only something like a conscious uncoupling would do for these two. GP, who I’ll say freely I think is a classic beauty, eccentricities be damned. Chris Martin is from the band Coldplay. If you know me, well, let’s not get into Coldplay, music is subjective. I think Coldplay is this generation’s watered- down version of “Sting,” who made great music with the Police, but then went out on his own and made indiscriminate self-important songs that, at this point, no one remembers as well as the stuff he made when he was with the Police. I mean, a bass player who calls himself ‘Sting?” (I prefer the Dutch pronunciation, Schting). Listen, Gordon, you’re no Bono, that’s for sure. Bono stuck it out with U2, and makes great music to this day. I rest my case. However, now that I’ve probably angered most of you by disrespecting both Cold Play and Sting in one paragraph, I’ll get back to the subject.
Conscious Uncoupling from what little (and I mean little) research I’ve put into it is a term from a woman named Katherine Woodward Thomas, and, in her words:
Psychotherapist and author Katherine Woodward Thomas specialises in “the art of completion” and describes it as “a proven process for lovingly completing a relationship that will leave you feeling whole and healed and at peace.”
Yea, sounds good. Actually, though it sounds unwieldy to say at a party, it seems like a nice way to say, “We are f-ing tired of one another.”
“Hey, so, you and Chris getting a divorce?”
“Oh, my, no, we would never do that, we’re consciously uncoupling.”
“Are lawyers involved?”
So, it’s a legal “Conscious uncoupling.”
I mean, why not? We’ve decided we can’t really even define what marriage is, so why start being so rigid about divorce? Let’s open up the interpretation.
Anyway, I like the idea. I thought I’d come up with some new phrase for some old stuff, make them seem less-bad, or, somehow, uh, cooler.
Here’s my list of new phrases for other social activities that might make our world a more genteel place.
– When you got drunk and got married in Vegas.
– When you’ve been married for a long time and you do it somewhere other than the bed room.
– Because masturbation is so working-class.
Airing the family heirloom
– Indecent exposure
Engaging in Compassionate Cessation
– When you set out a mouse-trap.
– When you’re over fifty and you can’t get those last couple drops out until you stick it back in your kakis.
– Getting public exposure for your divorce by calling it Conscious Uncoupling
Ah-well, probably won’t change the world. Think I’ll go take a reclined-refresh.