Ok, I admit it. I didn’t watch the debate last night. I dvr’d it. A blues player that I’ve listened to for years, Jimmy Thackery, was playing at a local blues club, and I wanted to see him. Never saw him before, just had some CD’s. Wow, he was good. So, I spent my evening consuming some tasty blues licks. Nice job, Jimmy. Of course, by the time I get to watch the debate, I’d heard all about it.
So, thanks for stopping by for some serious political commentary. I think we’ll have to get to that later, since now I’m going to make some observations about the vice-presidential debate. I’d like to take it seriously, really, I would.
I read a tweet the other day, something about “Who is the relative you least want to see over the holidays?” This morning I realized, why it’s old Uncle Joe. America’s uncle. You know, he’s got 5-6 cocktails in him by the time anyone cuts the turkey, talks down to everyone, wins all the arguments simply by TALKING LOUDER when he’s losing until everyone submits, and has pinched every woman’s ass by 5 oclock.
Coming from a long line of smart-asses myself, I think I could be Joe Biden’s debate coach. Not that he’d listen, but it would be a fun gig. Here are my top 5 pointers I’d give to Biden to improve his debate performance.
- Only say half of what comes to your mind. That way, you could eliminate all the stupid things you say by 50%.
- Don’t make big, sweeping gestures with your hands. Someone might take a picture and you’ll look foolish (See Fran’s post).
- Cut back to three cocktails before the debate.
- Just don’t go.
- At least try to act like you’re taking this seriously. A lot of the people that voted for you are unemployed.
Of course, as Fran said, it really doesn’t matter, because this debate doesn’t change anyone’s mind. See, here’s how the percentages play out for Biden:
53% of the people don’t like him, won’t like him, and think he’s a fool.
Out of the remaining 47%
30% don’t like him and think he’s a fool but wouldn’t admit it.
15% are die-hards who would support anyone on their side of the fence (for reference, see Al Gore supporters)
8% are too ignorant to have an opinion.
Yes, I know it doesn’t add up to a hundred, but the last two categories overlap. Hey, this is science, I don’t just make it up.
For my last observation, I wish I had the money Joe Biden spends on teeth whitening, Botox and the tanning booth. If I had some of that money, I’d spend it on a hair stylist for Paul Ryan.
Other Famous Uncle Joes
Uncle Joe from the “Petticoat Junction.” Perhaps the quintessential “Uncle Joe.”
Uncle Joe Stalin. Bad man, nice ‘stache.
Uncle Joey from “Full House.” I seriously can’t think of anything clever to say about this.
Uncle Joe’s Mint Balls. Yea, there are several jokes here, but I’m not going to make them.