Ahh, it’s almost that time of year. Time for warmer weather, daylight savings, spring training, and March Madness, possibly the best sporting event known to mankind (bedsides the Masters). But that also means it’s time for quite possibly the greatest and dumbest political event on the calendar. CPAC is here!
CPAC or Conservative Political Action Conference assembled this weekend in Baltimore Maryland.
For the unbaptized, CPAC is where all the conservatives from across the country get together to tell each other how great all their shit is. There are big name speakers, small breakout groups, radio row where all the conservative talkers do their shows for the week, culminating in a straw poll of potential presidential candidates. It’s probably a pretty cool time if you’re into politics at all.
CPAC is also the place to cleanse your soul if you’ve been a wayward conservative and thus deemed a RINO (Republican In Name Only). So what makes an otherwise proud conservative a RINO in the eyes of CPAC?
Well if you have ever…
…thought the President had a good idea. You might be a RINO (Chris Christie, Mitch McConnell)
…said anything complimentary about the President. You might be a RINO (Chris Christie, Rand Paul, Marco Rubio, Mitch McConnell)
…even thought about compromise with the current administration in any way, shape, or form. You might be a RINO (Paul Ryan, John Boehner, Mitch McConnell)
…worked on a budget that would pass both the House and the Senate. You might be a RINO (Paul Ryan)
But fear not. Contrary to popular belief RINOs can be redeemed. All a RINO needs to do is drag themselves to the cleansing pool that is CPAC, utter the redeeming phrases, something along the lines of “I hate Obama” or “Libetards!” and you my friend are born again hard in the conservative movement in America.
Witness the healing properties of this weeks festivities in Maryland.
NJ Governor Chris Christie, a sure RINO hurtling down a bridge to nowhere, came seeking redemption. His crime, working with the President when the citizens of New Jersey were literally drowned by a storm named Sandy. Christie had the gaul to thank the President and say some nice things about the Obama Administration during a Fox News interview. Damn RINO!
Now I will say this, the hugging was a bit much. I mean it had no political symbolism for me, it was just damn creepy. But then again that’s what happens when you become a RINO, you do creepy crap like hug a Libetard President.
So the downtrodden and afflicted Republican Governor Christie was invited to CPAC this year. His RINOness stunk so bad last year his invite was rescinded. Not joking. The Republican Governor of one of the largest Democrattic strongholds in the country gets uninvited to CPAC.
Anyway he was invited to speak this year. And speak he did.
He started out slow by suggesting that republicans need to be for stuff and not against stuff. That thought confused the crowd. But he won their anointing with this gem, “Mr. President, what the hell are we paying you for?”
Oh man. Snap. Nothing says “love me Jesus, I’m a conservative” like bashing the President.
The ball of healing is rolling now. Who’s it gonna run over next. It looks like…
yes that appears to be….
YES! Marco Rubio come on down and denounce the President for immigration reform even though you’re the author of the bill that almost brought the very reform you’re now ascribing to and ripping the President for.
Rubio gets a double portion of healing for that masterpiece. Why? Because it’s CPAC and it’s conservatism and it’s Tea Party.
Look folks all kidding aside, the entire weekend went like this.
At times it was hard to follow. What I could not understand was how these guys like Christie and Rubio and Senator Mitch McConnell, who came on stage with an actual gun looking to all the world like it was the first time he had ever held one, could say all this crap with a straight face. It truly felt as if these big government types didn’t realize that Tea Party people own TVs.
Christie and Rubio were one thing, but McConnell carrying a gun on stage was just stupid. He hasn’t lifted a finger in a 2nd amendment fight in his life. Does he think people don’t know this? So, why is Mitch goin all Yosemite Sam now? Cause he almost lost his last Senate bid in Kentucky and he’s having his ass handed to him by his Democrat challenger now. Seems ole Mitch needs the Tea Party all of a sudden.
But hey, it’s CPAC boys. If Mitch was really thinking, he would have fired off a few shots at a target shaped like some of your favorite liberals. That would get him some votes. Go Mitch, yee haw!
I have to say this last part for Tony’s sake.
Sarah Palin is the only one tellin the truth at CPAC. She is the only one who is the same today as she was yesterday, as she was last year, as she was in 08. I mean she’s still a blithering idiot, but she’s cute as a button and she has character. Meaning she’s not just saying stuff to win people over. She’s saying what she believes and to hell with everyone else. Agree with her or not, she’s leaving it up to you. That’s commendable in this day and age. You’d be hard pressed to find anyone of serious note on either side doing what Sarah is doing.
I for one am not too proud to say it actually makes her more attractive, not less. And she was crazy cute to begin with.
Well let’s take a peek at what the believers had to say about the RINO souls seeking redemption. Below are the results from the straw poll. It’s like an informal survey that gives an idea of which way the conservatives are leaning.
31 KY Senator Rand Paul
11 TX Senator Ted Cruz
9 Neurosurgeon Ben Carson
8 NJ Governor Chris Christie
7 Former PA Senator Rick Santorum
7 WI Governor Scott Walker
6 FL Senator Marco Rubio
3 TX Governor Rick Perry
3 WI Congressman Paul Ryan
2 Former AR Governor Mike Huckabee
2 LA Governor Bobby Jindal
2 Former AK Governor Sarah Palin
2 Former Sec. of State Condoleezza
Rand Paul was the big winner. Followed by Ted “I’m not insane my mother had me tested” Cruz. Christie and Rubio were apparently not granted salvation. One good thing to come from CPAC, Rick Santorum said he is seriously considering running again in 16. With Joe Biden looking like an early exit from the Dem Primary the comedy was gonna be up in the air. Now it looks like Santorum will fill the comedic vacuum.
It’s really bad news for Rubio. He barely beat out Sarah and Condoleezzaa Rice, two people not running for President.
Ah well, there always next year Marco.
So that’s all from CPAC 2014: The Cleansing.
But not to worry. Liberals have their own self congratulatory showcase as well. It’s a fine time were people who know they are too good to be in a room with you sit around and marvel about how many dumb people don’t understand their good shit.
So see you next month when the Liberals get together in Brooklyn at DBAG 2014: Fart regulation, the savior of our planet.
DBAG? Oh, sorry – Democrats Bragging About Government
Well what the hell did you think DBAG meant?